After I graduated, I told the group chat that they will never see me again. Some just laughed, they thought I was joking, while the rest asked for my personal number just in case. Then almost a decade later, the only person that stayed in my life is my best friend who now lives in the other side of the world and comes home every 2 years or less. She travels for almost 3 hours from her hometown to mine to meet up with me and the least I can do is to prepare my home for her and convince her to stay for a few more days—which she would always accept.

After she moved, we lost contact for months and she had to call my mom to find out how can she reach me because I was not responding via DM. I got a scolding from her for disappearing and I had to apologize and sheepishly tell her that I was not doing great. I learned that I was not the only one.

Photo by Joy McNamara on Unsplash

The world has changed, and so am I

Last year, around December, I decided that this year will not be spent like the rest of the previous ones. I finally have the courage to go out into the world again after being inside for a long time. The pandemic might have lasted for 2 years, but its impact on me lasted for more. My best friend would always ask me first if she is can give away my contact to our old friends who were asking, and finally, I gave her the go signal.

I started saying yes to meet ups again. Not just to my old university friends but from my graduate school friends as well. During the years of being on my lonesome, I realized I became introverted due to isolation.

I used to consider myself an extrovert since I would always have the energy for social gatherings and interactions. I learned that it might not be the case. I was just young and looking for a place to belong. I never truly had friends whom I have the same interests with except for my best friend who, despite not always liking everything I like, will always support my endeavors. I feel comfortable to gush about the things that I like to her, and in return, I learn about so many things from her. Maybe because we were literally the same person? She was only 8 days older than me after all.

My aversion to chaotic public spaces and noise might have developed because of my self-inflicted isolation, but it has now shaped me into who I am today. I can't really call it social anxiety, I still like people watching and would always smile to a random person if they ask me something. But I prefer just being left alone whether it is at home, or outside.

Who am I today is a far cry from who I was years ago. And I have to learn that change is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be scary, but it can also be exciting in a way. I learned to feel hopeful again, to talk to myself gentler, and give myself some grace. I realized that I was being too cruel to myself, and it is making me feel insane and be wary of people. Not everything is about me.

Into the unknown once again

This year, I met with old friends again and I finally said yes to my new acquaintances. I felt scared at first. I also felt lost. But I embraced those things and just showed up.

The last time I hanged out with my old friends was before graduation. After I deactivated all of my socials, nobody really reached out to me except for one. I don't know how she found me but out of all the places, she reached out to me via my stan account. I was pleasantly surprised and giddy because we actually like the same group and we bonded over that. Our communication might not be consistent but I was glad that she remembers me.

The last one who reached out, and the one who set up a meeting is also a friend of my bestie. I did not question why he only reached out after my best friend posted on her Instagram that she was out with me, but it is what it is. We met up, caught up with his life, had lunch, watched a movie, and set up another meetup with the rest of the group since he sent a photo of us to their group chat as well. So I went again.

At first, I was worried. But once I met up with them, it felt like no time has passed at all. They just talked and talked and did not really pushed me to tell what happened to me. When I told them that I am doing fine, at least working on it, they let me be. The only one who pushed though was the girl who first looked for me. The one who found me through my now deactivated stan account.

She pushed, tried cornering me even when the others tried to divert the topic. I smiled and told her that I will open up when I am comfortable. That is when the vibes changed. She did not forced me again after that, and I just kept her talking. I understand why she wanted to know. But in my defense, we were not really the closest in the group and I also have not seen them in years, so technically I don't know them anymore. A lot can happen in those years, but some things also do not change like me being a person who does not open up easily, maybe she forgot about that.

This interaction left me tired, to be honest. I talked to my mom about it, I said I don't want to be in an environment where every one is trying to one-up the other. Because once they all came together, I saw the vibe shift. I felt the envy, jealousy, and competitiveness which I never really felt when I was talking to them one-on-one.

I told my best friend about it too, I said I am not built to endure that kind of relationship. I did not feel the support, I did not feel that they are happy for each other (or even me). I only felt like they wanted to hang out just out of curiosity and never really out of care. Maybe I can do one-on-one with some of them, maybe a bigger group, but not together again.

The new acquaintances were a different situation altogether. I only knew them for a year through common classes but only decided to hang out with them very recently. Why you ask? Well, they will always invite me out for drinks. And I, truthfully, do not enjoy drinking anymore even when I still supposed to be around the partying age.

I was so different from them, and our age gap did not matter at all. Some are much older, some younger, it did not matter but I knew I am not living the same life they are living anymore. Once they ask "what's your IG?" and I said I don't have any socials, the interest quickly fell through. They said it was weird. How is it possible? They ask what am I doing on my free time, I say there was a lot to do at home. They ask where do I post my adventures, and I ask do I have to?

One of them made a subtle inquiry, while the rest already assumed that I’m just a “good girl.” I snorted at the thought after having flashbacks to my days of getting plastered and puking in front of our gate because my mom cannot know I am about to crash out (she knew by the way). I giggled after recalling all my impromptu road trips after a full night of bar hopping just to get some Bulalo from Tagaytay. I snickered after remembering all the school days I would come to class hanged over because I was down in the ditch and do not know what the fuck I was doing. Those times were “my fun youth” but it was also my rock bottom.

It is crazy to say these things since I’m not even in my 30s yet. My “fun youth” was what thought me that not all people in your life will stay with you. Some are only there for the fun, some for the drama, some for what you can give them. That partying and getting wasted will not fill in the hole in your soul. That friends can change how they treat you once you start getting out of the mold that they put you in.

Photo by Daniel Hering on Unsplash

Time for something new

Almost the entirety of my 20s were spent failing, falling, and crawling through filth just to find out who I am or what am I even doing with my life. And to be honest, I’m still doing that to this day.

I spent years hovering through life like a ghost, no direction, no passion. I lost my love for so many things. You can say that I also lost myself. And for the longest time I was just here, paralyzed and anxious, no hope that there will be a change in my life. But then I realized, I am the only one stopping me.

It took a while, but I am slowly getting out of my cage again. I've been learning how to cook. I've been going out to buy groceries more instead of them being delivered to me. I'm trying out new foods. I've been rediscovering the joys of dressing up and putting make up on. I've been discovering so many new things and I am enjoying every second of them. Even when some do not yield good results, at least now I know.

This year is just an amalgamation of rediscovering my old self and learning about my new one. I am taking it slow but I am also just letting things happen, let the wind guide you as they say.

We only got two more months left to this year. But unlike last year, I now feel excited for what comes next. A lot of things can happen during that short time, but I am ready to welcome them. Here is to more adventures. And here is to me, who is still going.